Mothers are Truly Amazing

Print pagePDF pageEmail page

Hello friends,

I’m happy to be writing again. These last few months have been very tough.  I was debating with myself to whether or not share what happened in my life during these last few months, and I decided it’s a story that, although very personal, could help other moms cope with the same difficulty.

I was almost two months pregnant, when I went to have my first ultrasound at the doctor’s office. I was excited and had that warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. The doctor proceeded to examine my uterus and as we both followed the different images that were appearing on the screen, a silence filled the room. I had a visible sack, round and perfect… but…. there was no heart beat.

I could see my little baby in there, a little shape of white light… but it had no movement at all. The doctor told me not to worry, that sometimes the heart beat can be seen and heard after even 10 weeks. I was sent to have a more detailed ultrasound at an external medical office. I also had to have some blood tests done. When I went for the second ultrasound, the same thing happened as the first time… no heart beat. I came out of that office with my heart sinking, surviving only by the hope that my doctor’s final opinion would be a positive one.ultrasound

A few days later my doctor called me. She told me my testosterone levels were very low (high testosterone levels, together with other factors, indicate pregnancy), and that they we continually dropping. She told me to please go and see her. When I spoke to her at her office, she told me what I had feared…. I was having a miscarriage…. I had lost my precious little baby.

My heart broke.

loosing-a-babyI was overwhelmed by sadness … and guilt. Although the doctor explained that what happened had nothing to do with me (that it was just nature making the best decision for the new little person), I felt guilty because at the beginning, when I found out I was expecting, I had a very hard time accepting that I was pregnant again. I was truly and honestly so happy about the news, but these wonderful news also meant so much sacrifice for me…again.  Of course, those feelings only lasted a few days after I found out I was pregnant, but to know that I felt that way was weighing heavy on me.

As I went through this, I thought of all the mothers in the world, who although overjoyed by the knowledge of having a baby are also fighting with the thoughts of what it means to be a new mom. Only moms know the sacrifice involved. A sacrifice made willingly and with so much love, but nevertheless a sacrifice of many things, such as being able to work, being able to sleep, being able to have a social life, being able to dedicate enough time to your other children, and being able to have a body that you can be content with. Yes, all selfish yet valid concerns.

The process of these thoughts entering and then leaving my mind was actually swift, mainly because I knew that having a baby, bringing a new person into this world, is a miracle in itself and how could any of those other worries ever compete with that? But the guilt stayed, for a while, until I forgave myself by understanding that those feelings are not only very common, but also normal. What comes after those feelings is what really speaks to us about ourselves. Do we dwell on those negative worries or do we, again, fill our hearts with hope and our hearts with strength ready to embark into mamahood again? After realizing all of the sacrifices involved, do we chose the easiest path for us, or do we chose the greatest path for our baby? This is what really matters, I realized. In my heart I knew I was willing, with my whole being, to make those sacrifices, again, for this new baby.

We, the Mamas, are the vessels, the carriers, the recipients of the tremendous honor of being a mother. But still, it is a tremendous loving and selfless sacrifice. Mothers are truly amazing.

Losing our little tiny baby was SO hard….I cried so much… with a pain in my heart (literal physical pain in the chest) that showed me real sadness. My hubby and I were already looking for names, the kids were very excited about the new baby, and really the whole family was so very happy.

baby-shoes

So our precious baby didn’t make it… but he will forever be a part of us. We will reunite with him in the spiritual world, and in the mean time he will be watching over his brothers and sisters. I truthfully believe this. Now, when I look at each of my children, I truly see my baby angel in their eyes.

I am thankful for this experience, because however painful it was (and still is), I know in my heart that my little baby’s soul now EXISTS, and will exist forever. I am so thankful for that ♥

Nayyan

 

Speak Your Mind

*